(An occasional series of schemes to make me rich.)
Kickstopper: It’s like Kickstarter but pretty much in
reverse. Here’s how it works.
Fay Fantasy-Typist wants to write another in her series of Dragonesses
and Dreamwalkers books. But Fay doesn’t
want to be subject to the onerous demands of editors who insist that the books make
any kind of sense and are not just a collection of Fay’s Reiki-healing-inspired
new age meanderings. So Fay wants to self-publish, but that would cost more
than Fay can afford, because although the books so far have been well-received
by those who like that sort of thing, they’ve not gone mainstream and Fay
hasn’t been able to fulfil her dream of living in a Gothic folly surrounded by
talking cats and lute-playing ravens, and is in fact living in a council flat
in Walsall. Besides which, what money has been realised by Dragonesses
and Dreamwalkers so far has been spent on
long flowing robes and Wicca lessons.
So Fay puts her plan up on Kickstopper in the hope that her
readers will pledge money to her so she can type her newest book without any of
those annoying everyday financial concerns, then publish it in the format she
feels it deserves, with black leatherette covers and the odd embedded fake
ruby.
Luckily, there are enough people out there who – because
they are adult, literate people -know that Fay’s book is likely to be as
atrocious as any of her others. Rather than see another redundant fantasy
pollute the shelves, these people can pledge money through the Kickstopper site
to stop her from continuing.
If Fay says she’ll type a chapter for every fifty quid
raised, Kickstopper can raise fiftyfive notes to stop her in her tracks. With
luck and any form of natural justice, sufficient money will be raised through
pledges to stop Fay from ever putting quill to vellum.
It’s as simple as that.
But, I hear you say, what’s to stop Fay from just saying
she’s going to write the book, getting the Kickstopper money, and then going
ahead and writing it anyway? And even if she doesn’t, isn’t the whole thing
just a way of allowing under-talented people to get money to do nothing?
Better that, I say, than allowing her to continue. Better to
stem the flow of piss-poor fantasy twaddle at the source than let it run over
the rim of printing’s chamberpot.
However, at Kickstopper we will recognise the power of
incentives both to pledger and pledgee, which is why, if the pledgee should
renege on their contract not to produce, all monies must be repaid with
interest. That’s a given. We will also offer the following extra bonus
incentives to pledges:
If the pledgee pledges a certain minimum amount, they will
be eligible to call the creator rude names and tell them exactly what they
think of their work. This initial band of incentives includes the opportunity
to laugh at the creator’s dress sense, and to tell them that they smell.
Band Two of the incentive plan grants the right for a
pledger to stand outside the creator’s house late at night and stare at their
window; they may also follow the creator around at a distance of ten yards and
mock their choice of vegan (or other) foodstuffs.
Band Three – the highest pledges – will extend to the
pledger the unique chance to give the creator a hefty kick in the old lunch or,
for Executive Diamond Level pledges, gently break one finger (per pledge, up to
and including eight separate fingers but excluding thumbs because of some
ridiculous Human Rights law or other). Kickstopper is producing a range of
humane but not too humane secateur-based
tools to facilitate this.
We are currently working on a weapons-based incentive for
those willing to pledge their entire estate and to serve jail time.
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